i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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