$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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