It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
