she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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