I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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