Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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