Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
