I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
