Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I got inside last night via doggy door
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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