i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Randomize
