She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
