Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
