he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
