I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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