I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
