Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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