if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Randomize
