She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Randomize
