Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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