Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
