she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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