Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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