sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
