Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
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Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
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We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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