her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
