Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
