last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize