I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
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2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
So much puke
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
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I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?