i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...