maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?