So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
