I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
it was like eating out sand paper
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
