yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
