I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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