I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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