Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
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Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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