Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
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