I cannot find my penis.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
