I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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