I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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