my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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