When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
