if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
