I am puke
My liver just broke up with me...
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
