Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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