I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
