His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
