All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
