thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
