you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
