it's too hot outside to masturbate.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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