I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
