So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Randomize
