i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
