I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You are a genius and a whore.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
