We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
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