i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
