It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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