Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
