her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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