She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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